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toaster stories [Aug. 17th, 2007|11:33 am]
[music |Herman Düne - I Wish That I Could See You Soon]

Ben sent me this toaster story and it's solid gold. If you have more toaster stories I'd love to hear them! (I'm also interested in hijinks stories. Like all men, I am always interested in hijinks stories.)

Here's the story:

Oh man, i have the funniest toaster story to tell.
so just like you, i am a man who enjoys his toast, and
would much rather receive it from the lips of
something chrome or cool.

so when i was younger (the summer of second year
university) i had the chance to steal away my
grandfather's old chrome toaster from where it was
hiding in our cabin in the middle of nowhere, and so i
got myself a rad toaster. Implicit with inheriting the
toaster, however, was the understanding that i would
FIX the heavy chrome beast. see, It had one of those
"how well done do you want your toast" knobs, but it
was a little... testy. Of the 360 degrees a person
could turn the knob, turning it to 0 degrees gave
undone toast, turning it to 1 degree gave welldone
toast, 2 degrees gave black toast, 3 degrees gave
black toast and 5 minutes of fire, 10 degrees gave a
house burnt down, and 11 degrees was a setting we
could call "lecture from the fire chief and
disappointed looks from architects and insurancemen

but this toaster was cool, buddy. reallllll cool.
heavy chrome body. it had 2 slots, and no lever. it
would AUTO LOAD. you'd drop the floppy toast in hard
enough, and they'd just slide down in a way which was
so smooth that it was counterintuitive. damn.

anyway, so i was taking a math course at 8:30 am, and
i woke up late as usual. i lived in this tall
residence apartment tower (called Gauge apartments).
full of students. students i resented because they got
to sleep in. it was 19 stories high, and really worth
stayin' in if you can ever manage it... they rent it
as a hotel in the summer.

anyway, i had long sinced "fixed" the toaster, by
magically hitting it in just the right way that it
gave passable toast... and had been doing so for a
couple months already. so while based on the setup,
you might already have guessed what happeend, it was
quite a shock to me. anyway, somehow the little knob
had gotten turned, and slipped from it's singular
"make toast" position, and had somehow ended up at...
somewhere between "smoke machine" and "lecture from
the fire chief".

so i roll out of bed, and decide that toast is what
the doctor ordered, and that i'd throw the toast into
the chrome kingmaker while i showered and shaved. and
that's what i do.

now i am a gentleman who wears glasses, so i am used
to the world getting a little... smokey when i remove
them. also, i had just taken a hot shower. thus, as i
wandered about the bathroom without my spectacles, it
was not surprising that i could not see very far. the
smell of burning toast was imperceptible. It was a
little confusing to see that the layer of smog
remained as i left the washroom, and even more
confusing when it remained after i put on my glasses.

and it took a moment before i put the pieces together,
and dashed out to the kitchen.

imagine niagra falls.
imagine looking at niagra falls upside down.
imagine looking at niagra falls upside down, only
instead of water, it's smoke and coming out of a
beautiful chrome toaster.

so i swore.

there was no lever, so no way to pull the toast out of
the wretched machine, other than to unplug it, twiddle
the knob, and flick it the bird. the blackened, toast
shaped pieces of carbon rose slowly and dramatically
and lazily, like the sun.

i had to cover my tracks.
i wasn't on hugging terms with my roommates, and
surely it would be easier on me if the smell of burnt
toast was a mystery to them.
of course,
i misjudged the volume of smoke that i was dealing

I opened the window, and hid the carbon in the garbage
can in my private locked bedroom, and opened another
window, put the chrome beast back into the cupboard
and sighed.
and then the fire alarm went off.
the fire alarm for the ENTIRE APARTMENT BUILDING.

my roomates awoke, and one ran out to the window and
declared that there must be a fire, and that it must
be above us, based on how smoke was pouring into our
apartment from the windows above us.
another looked down the fire-escape stairwell, and saw
that it was full-up of smoke, and one could hardly see
their way through it.

Similar panic occurred throughout the building, since
one could, wherever one was apparently, see the
evidence that the building was on fire.

I acted confused and surprised, and then i went to
class, passing many bleary eyed people in the pyjamas
standing in the street (heh...)

I did not come back until evening.

the building was abuzz with wondering as to where all
the smoke had come from. the fire chief had spent all
afternoon walking up and down the stairs trying to
find the source of all the smoke.

and when i told my roomates, they laughed at me.
real hard.
and made their friends laugh at me.

and that's why fancy modern toasters are pretty good.


[User Picture]From: joshpm
2007-08-17 03:48 pm (UTC)
That is right well one of the best stories, much less toaster story, that I have heard in a loooong time. wow!
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[User Picture]From: mr_cow
2007-08-17 04:06 pm (UTC)
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[User Picture]From: dunderbug
2007-08-17 04:24 pm (UTC)
Damn for a moment I thought that was a story about an actual solid gold toaster. Once again I've been let down. :P
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[User Picture]From: kimbahlee
2007-08-17 05:17 pm (UTC)
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[User Picture]From: apm
2007-08-17 04:55 pm (UTC)
Years and years ago, I had just started University and had moved into a duplex nearby in the city. The previous tenants had left behind an old toaster. I had brought my own. What does one do with two toasters?

One day, a friend of mine had a brilliant idea. He took the toaster that I didn't use apart, fiddled a bit with the lever spring mechanism, and put it back together.

That day, I became the proud owner of a toaster that, when toasting was complete, would fling toast three feet into the air.
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[User Picture]From: qwantz
2007-08-17 06:02 pm (UTC)
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[User Picture]From: bnbn
2007-08-17 05:34 pm (UTC)
i tell this story to people when we are drinking, and i want to demonstrate what a gomer i am.
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From: juliettetysup
2008-07-17 06:41 am (UTC)
When we treat others like we want to be treated, repeat business is a given.   Also, a happy client is the best means of advertisement.
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[User Picture]From: rintheamazing
2007-08-17 05:39 pm (UTC)
When I was at university, our campus meal hall had one of those industrial toasters with the little conveyor belts inside. One day, someone's bagel got stuck at the back of the conveyor, so instead of falling out into the little tray, it just sat there and caught on fire.

No less than 5 people walked past it, noted the pretty light show, went "Huh, a flaming toaster," and kept walking. Eventually someone thought to tell one of the employees, but there was still a sizable crowd gathered before anyone thought to, you know, pull the plug or anything.
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From: (Anonymous)
2008-03-29 11:54 pm (UTC)
That happened quite a bit at my university too, especially when some douche decided to make a bagel sandwich and wanted to melt the cheese... in the conveyer belt toaster. The cafeteria employees hated those people. Though, on the plus side, the toaster spat fire and looked kinda awesome sometimes.
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From: (Anonymous)
2007-08-17 06:00 pm (UTC)
One problem I had with a former roommate involved a toaster.
It was an older toaster, but really worked fine other than it would not automatically stop. Sometimes, this would burn the toast, but when that happened, I'd simply stop it, throw out the toast, and open the windows. Whatever.

I had told my roommate all about this.
But for whatever reason, the very first time she burned toast, she decided the best solution was to throw the whole thing (toaster and toast alike) out the backdoor into the snow.

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[User Picture]From: qwantz
2007-08-17 06:02 pm (UTC)
Sounds like a roommate who is having trouble adjusting to Not Living At Home!
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[User Picture]From: spizzy
2007-08-17 06:45 pm (UTC)
I really like that story! Especially the phrase "hugging terms" which I will now frequently use!
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From: biancabovys
2008-07-11 06:59 am (UTC)
And then it’s awkward again, because after that experience, I kind of feel like we are on hugging terms, but that can’t possibly be right, can it.
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[User Picture]From: isthatjamie
2007-08-17 07:46 pm (UTC)
The settings on this infamous toaster seem similar to my Hello Kitty one (yeah, with the face of HK seared into every piece of toast, but not Pop Tart, that goes into it). I have to toast everything at practically zero, lest I end up with charcoal bread...and HK's ubiquitous, mouthless face glaring at me.

Of course, should anything happen to my toaster, I doubt my story would be as ingenious as this one ^_^; Thanks for sharing!
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[User Picture]From: bynofdoom
2007-08-17 07:56 pm (UTC)
Mine's just the opposite (minus HK...). It has to be cranked all the way up to what it implies to be doom-levels of toasting to get the perfect golden brown. But, really, what can you expect for $8 (new)?
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[User Picture]From: sweetennui
2007-08-17 08:12 pm (UTC)
I have a toaster that puts a imprint of a dinosaur on my toast.

It is the coolest toaster ever.
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[User Picture]From: onehitkill
2007-08-17 08:14 pm (UTC)
to be honest i don't normally read your posts but...
off-the-wall toaster stories? you've piqued my interest.
i believe more unforgiving appliance stories are due in the future!
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[User Picture]From: musogato
2007-08-17 08:32 pm (UTC)
Omigosh, that story is AWESOME♥ XDDD It needs to be shouted to the world for all to enjoy! It totally brightened my weekend. ^^
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[User Picture]From: westacular
2007-08-17 08:55 pm (UTC)
I think we can all agree that hijinks stories are The Best Stories.

(Runners-up are shenanigans, tomfoolery, and escapades stories.)
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[User Picture]From: ambrmerlinus
2008-03-26 03:21 pm (UTC)
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[User Picture]From: newsong
2007-08-17 09:15 pm (UTC)
Nice. I especially liked the Niagra Falls part.
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[User Picture]From: ottietav
2007-08-17 09:35 pm (UTC)
I also have a toaster that is very powerful. "1" makes good toast, "2" makes coal and the scale goes up to 12. I guess it's due to German efficiency; the only text on the toaster is "made in East Germany". Come to think of it, I have no idea where I got the toaster from, just that I've owned it for as long as I've lived on my own.
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[User Picture]From: idonotsleep
2007-08-17 11:24 pm (UTC)
Today I learned that every toaster story has happened At University.
I think we could all benefit if some investigative journalists looked into this apparent link between University and Interesting Toaster Stories. And maybe Fox can somehow capitalize on it with a Real World + University + Toaster cocktail.
Might be a good idea?
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[User Picture]From: ambrmerlinus
2008-03-26 03:21 pm (UTC)
I think the correlation between toaster stories and universities is why toasters are banned at my school.
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From: thinkaboutme83
2007-08-18 03:31 am (UTC)
To add to the tales of toast-hurling toasters mentioned above, when I was a teenager I would often stay at the home of a much older friend. She had a toaster that she salvaged from her house after Hurricane Andrew flattened her home. Anyway the toaster was never quite right after that. It was seriously spring-loaded. You would load the bread, depress the lever, and wait, and then- the toaster would eject the bread, toasted to a healthy golden brown, and send it sailing about three or four feet into the air.

A favorite game of ours at breakfast time was aiming the toaster at the table and trying to land our breakfasts on our plates. It should be noted that toast is more areodynamic than a bagel, and that Pop-Tarts have a tendency to explode upon impact. You only need one or two Frosted Cherry burns before this lesson is learned.

I still think of that toaster every time my recently-purchased toaster acts exactly how a toaster is supposed to act. Sigh...
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[User Picture]From: thebreton_16
2007-08-18 04:34 am (UTC)
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[User Picture]From: vanity_ruins
2007-08-19 03:29 am (UTC)
I have a newfound appreciation for toasters now.
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From: mrmxy
2007-08-25 02:41 am (UTC)
So, like, one time, I used a toaster.
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From: (Anonymous)
2007-09-24 07:54 am (UTC)
Hopefully not at band camp.
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[User Picture]From: bnbn
2008-03-26 01:58 pm (UTC)
they should make toasters where you can tune the angle it sits at, and the spring tension:
it'd be like that "scorched earth" game.. but for breakfast.
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From: ext_91303
2008-03-26 03:31 pm (UTC)
I don’t have a toaster story, but 1 a.m. fire alarms at my university were a fabulous way to find out who was sleeping with whom. I collected a lifetime’s worth of sheepish looks that year.
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[User Picture]From: merry_loon
2008-03-26 05:21 pm (UTC)
XDDDD That story made me laugh in a way that a sick person with a queasy stomach should never laugh. So, thanks, and if I throw up you're getting the laundry bill. ;)
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[User Picture]From: laniekayaleese
2008-03-27 03:38 pm (UTC)
A full scale evacuation of a building caused by a toaster? That is a story of excellence to keep me warm at night. Or perhaps I should buy a toaster myself.

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[User Picture]From: aaker
2008-03-29 04:05 am (UTC)
there was no lever, so no way to pull the toast out of
the wretched machine, other than to unplug it, twiddle
the knob, and flick it the bird.

Wow-- you flipped off a toaster? Reminds me of this Dinosaur comic.
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From: vito_raliffe
2008-04-02 08:11 pm (UTC)
This is indeed the greatest toaster story I have ever read.
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